Consistent Self Care and Still Hitting Lows?

Divide and Conquer: Don't let a bad day get the BEST of you!

Last week I wrote about the importance of intentionally and consistently implementing self care. But, what happens if we think we have been firing on all cylinders, and we still are struck with a day or two when we feel we are off our game? Maybe we notice we are short tempered, we lack motivation, we struggle to get out of bed; maybe we are on edge, restless, anxious or maybe we just feel really, really depressed. First of all, I want to normalize that this absolutely happens, even to those of us who seem to have the most rigid routines and best self care. So, take a deep breath and read on.

*Before I address this topic, it is imperative that I point out that having a bad day here and there is common, having prolonged days, weeks or months where your functioning is severely impacted may require you to seek help from a mental health professional.

Let’s say you have been having a good week and all of a sudden, or so it seems, you wake up and things seem off. You feel out of sorts, you’re irritable and short tempered, you don’t want to do anything and it just seems like you can’t get back on track. Likely you judge yourself for not being motivated and punish yourself for not following through with the lengthy to do list you have in front of you, and then worst of all you find yourself not taking your sweet dog for their usual long walk or giving them their allotted play time that they love and you, too, usually enjoy. So, at this point, you have basically condemned yourself to being the worst person in the world. Then you start to think, why am I acting like this; why do I feel this way? You may continue to be flooded with a plethora of unhealthy thought patterns; ruminating and recycling these thoughts over and over again, which will only make you feel worse.

Instead of stewing in your self deprecation, don’t let a bad day get the BEST of you. Drum roll please, now I will introduce you to a triple threat: a mnemonic device, acronym and an affirmation to assist you during these difficult times! Mnemonic devices improve retention of information and acronyms improve your ability to remember the correct order of steps. Added bonus - this also serves as an affirmation that you can repeat to yourself, “I will not let today get the BEST of me!”

BEST offers you an easy to remember step by step guide to address what you are experiencing in a concise and effective manner. While you may not be 100% after trying this, my hope is that by following these steps, the intensity of what you were experiencing may decrease and you will likely gain insight as to how to proceed with your day. Moreover, you may learn what contributed to your mood and further areas of exploration in your own self reflection and/or therapy.

B: Breathe. Bringing awareness to our breath is the simplest way to ground ourselves in the here and now. As I mentioned we have a tendency to ruminate and recycle thoughts; on our bad days, likely these thoughts are not productive and more often than not self deprecating. So, the first step is to breathe to ground ourselves in our physical bodies. A simple technique is to start with box breathing: Inhale for four seconds, hold that breathe for four seconds and then exhale counting to four; repeat this four times. Another one of my favorite breathing exercises is alternate nostril breathing: exhale completely, use your right thumb to close your right nostril, inhale through your left nostril and then close the left nostril with your fingers. Open your right nostril and exhale through that side, then inhale through the right nostril and then close the nostril. Open the left nostril and exhale through that side. That is considered one cycle. I would suggest continuing for at least three minutes. Here is a video to assist you if you are interested in trying it out. https://youtu.be/G8xIEzX40bA

*Please be sure to try any new tool or technique during a time when you are in a calm and peaceful space.

E. Exert your Body/Exercise. This step is really important. Once you utilize your breathing technique, it is crucial that you utilize a coping strategy that involves movement. This needs to be some kind of movement that you can do no matter what time of day it is, where you are, what the weather is like and it can not depend on anyone else, needing to drive somewhere, use money or accessing a gym. It is going to be hard as hell to actually do whatever this thing is so it needs to be easy for you to do; no obstacles, no reasons why you can't and no one you have to depend on to do it. Your mind will likely signal to your body that you don't want to move. When we are having really bad days we usually just sit in our stuff, which is actually part of the reason we don't feel better. Movement, even better changing your environment, is imperative to changing your thoughts and also begins to help release the necessary chemicals in your body to begin to help improve your mood, even if it is minimally. I share with my clients that my coping strategy is walking and I am fortunate to live in a safe area with a well lit walking path. If I am really struggling emotionally no matter what I look like, what time of day, rain, snow, heat wave - I put on my sneakers and start pounding the pavement. Around 1.5 miles in, I begin to feel a bit lighter and I have space to start to engage in the next step, self reflection. Walking may not be for everyone or may not be accessible or safe for everyone. Some other ideas may be: yoga, stretching, walking up and down your stairs, doing a short work out video, lifting light weights, calisthenics, taking your dog for a walk, knitting, painting or something creative that involves movement.

S. Self Reflection. At this point, my hope is that your mind and body are slowing down and you have space to create room for self reflection. One of the most powerful lessons comes from the Serenity Prayer is, “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Understanding the difference between what we have control to change and the things we don't is an incredibly invaluable lesson. During this step, I encourage you to consider what may have contributed to how you are feeling. First, think about the days leading up to the day in question: Were you consistent and intentional with self care? Were there early warning signs that you weren’t doing your best? Were there potential stressors or triggers that went unnoticed? Has anything changed recently that may be contributing to how you are feeling? Once you have your answers, reflect on what aspects you can control and change, and the ones you can not. Here is my own example of this. My birthday is approaching and this time of year tends to be emotionally difficult for a few reasons – I can’t necessarily change that; but, I can do things to not add to it. After my last intimate partner relationship, I stopped using social media; however, this past week I noticed I was using it again, and simultaneously I also noticed a decrease in my overall mood. Identifying the pattern that as my social media use goes up, my mood goes down is something I can control and can change, which immediately gives me an opportunity to take action and take care of myself.

T. Talk. The last step is talk to someone. This can be with a trusted friend, loved one or family member. While these steps can help you through difficult days, sometimes we find that after self reflection there are unresolved issues or feelings that we may need support with processing. Friends and family are amazing supports, but when dealing with complicated issues it is likely necessary to seek professional help and talk these issues through with a therapist.

As a therapist, I find it important to be transparent and authentic with my clients. The techniques, education, insight and coping mechanisms I offer are all things I have researched and tried myself. "Not letting a bad day get the BEST of you" is something I created myself from my professional experience, research and personal experience. It may not work for everyone, it is not a science, but I do hope that it provides some relief to those who try it. And, remember to be patient, kind and understanding to yourself. The same patience and compassion you would give a friend or a family member suffering through an emotional time, please give to yourself; you are not an exception. You deserve to love yourself and prioritize your health and well being. And, don't forget not only is BEST easy to remember, it can also be used as an affirmation, "I will not let today get the BEST of me!"